PTSD Recovery Hub
Trauma Education, DARVO, Gaslighting & Coercive Control
This page translates complex trauma concepts into plain English so you can better understand what you’ve been living through — in relationships, families, workplaces, or during and after divorce. You are not “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” Your nervous system has been doing its best to keep you safe.
This is educational only — not therapy and not a diagnosis. If these topics hit close to home, consider talking with a trauma-informed therapist, doctor, or support group in your area.
Trauma 101 in Plain English
Trauma isn’t just “one bad event.” It can also come from long-term exposure to emotional chaos, criticism, walking on eggshells, or feeling like you can never do anything right. Many people live in survival mode for years before they realize their body is carrying trauma.
What trauma can feel like day-to-day
- Constantly on edge, waiting for the “next explosion.”
- Brain fog, forgetfulness, or feeling “checked out.”
- Overreacting to small triggers — then beating yourself up for it.
- Feeling numb, detached, or like you’re watching life from the outside.
- Struggling to make decisions because you’re afraid of “getting it wrong.”
What your nervous system is trying to do
- Scan for danger so you don’t get blindsided again.
- Shut down when things feel too big to handle.
- Keep you connected to people you depend on, even if they hurt you.
- Protect you from looking at painful truths all at once.
You are not weak for having trauma responses. They’re signs that your body has been working overtime to keep you going under intense stress.
DARVO Patterns – Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim & Offender
DARVO is a common pattern used by abusive or highly defensive people when they’re confronted about hurtful behavior. It stands for:
D – Deny
They deny the behavior completely: “That never happened,” “You’re making things up,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “You took it the wrong way.” This makes you doubt your own memory and reality.
A – Attack
Instead of taking ownership, they attack you: your tone, your timing, your mental health, your past mistakes. The focus quickly shifts from what they did to what’s “wrong” with you.
RVO – Reverse Victim & Offender
They flip the story so they appear to be the victim and you look like the aggressor. You may hear: “You’re abusing me,” “You’re attacking me,” or “Look how you’re treating me right now.”
Over time, DARVO can make you feel confused, guilty, and afraid to speak up. Recognizing the pattern is a powerful first step toward protecting your sanity and setting boundaries.
Gaslighting – When Your Reality is Slowly Rewritten
Gaslighting is a pattern where someone repeatedly makes you doubt your memory, feelings, or perception of events. It usually builds slowly and can happen in romantic relationships, families, friendships, workplaces, or faith communities.
Common gaslighting phrases
- “You’re overreacting. It wasn’t that bad.”
- “That never happened. You always twist things.”
- “Everyone thinks you’re the problem, not me.”
- “You’re too emotional / crazy / unstable.”
- “I was just joking. You have no sense of humor.”
How gaslighting can affect you
- You start apologizing all the time, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
- You feel like you need “proof” before you’re allowed to be upset.
- You second-guess your memory and ask others what really happened.
- You feel smaller and more dependent over time.
- You wonder if you’re “the narcissist” because they keep saying you are.
Healthy relationships allow for different perspectives without attacking your sanity. If you constantly leave conversations feeling confused, crazy, or ashamed, it may be more than “just a disagreement.”
Coercive Control – Abuse Without Bruises
Coercive control is a pattern of ongoing behaviors that restrict your freedom, isolate you, or make you feel like you have to “keep the peace” at all costs. It can exist with or without physical violence.
Coercive Control – 15-Item Awareness Checklist
This is not a diagnostic tool. It’s a self-reflection list to notice possible patterns. Answer privately: “Does this show up often in my life?”
- They monitor your phone, email, social media, or location.
- They control how money is spent or give you an “allowance.”
- They make big financial decisions without your input.
- They isolate you from friends, family, or support systems.
- They punish you with silent treatment, sulking, or withdrawal.
- They make you feel guilty for having needs, boundaries, or opinions.
- They regularly threaten divorce, custody, or abandonment to control you.
- They twist spiritual, cultural, or family values to shame or trap you.
- They explode over small things, then blame you for their reaction.
- They minimize or mock your mental health struggles.
- They insist on being “right” and rarely apologize sincerely.
- They use your private vulnerabilities against you during fights.
- They insist you “forgive and forget” without real change.
- You feel like you need permission to relax, spend money, or see people.
- You plan your day around avoiding their moods or reactions.
If many of these resonate, you may be living under coercive control. That’s serious and you deserve support, even if there has never been a single physical incident.
Narcissistic Abuse – Red Flag Patterns
You don’t need to label someone as a “narcissist” to take your experience seriously. What matters most is the impact on you. These red-flag patterns often show up in narcissistic or high-control dynamics:
Charm → Devalue → Blame
- They start as your “perfect match” or hero.
- Over time, they become critical, cold, or dismissive.
- When you’re hurt, they say it’s your fault for being “too sensitive.”
Image First, Reality Second
- They’re kind and charming in public, cruel or dismissive in private.
- Your pain matters less than how things “look” to others.
- They may smear you to friends, family, or professionals if you speak up.
Control Disguised as Concern
- “I’m just trying to protect you” – but your world keeps getting smaller.
- “I’m worried about your mental health” – used to discredit you.
- “I only get this angry because I care so much” – but nothing improves.
If you’ve experienced these patterns for years, it’s normal to have trauma responses, anxiety, or even symptoms that look like PTSD or complex PTSD. You deserve support, even if no one ever hit you.
“High Conflict” vs. Domestic Violence & Coercive Control
Not all intense relationships are abusive — sometimes two people are simply mismatched, stressed, or lack skills. But sometimes, one person is targeted by a pattern of control, fear, and DARVO. It’s important to notice the difference.
Often “just” high conflict
- Both people can admit when they’re wrong (eventually).
- Apologies lead to some behavior change over time.
- No one is afraid of “what will happen” if they disagree.
- Money, friends, and movement are not tightly controlled.
- Arguments may be loud, but no one is consistently targeted or terrorized.
Abuse / coercive control patterns
- One person holds most of the power or control.
- Your fear, guilt, or shame keeps you “in line.”
- They punish you when you set boundaries or say no.
- They use kids, money, or your mental health as weapons.
- You feel smaller and less like yourself as time goes on.
Courts, attorneys, and even therapists sometimes label everything as “high conflict” and miss coercive control hiding underneath. Your internal experience matters. If you feel unsafe, silenced, or constantly blamed, you deserve to explore that with someone who understands abuse dynamics.
What This Page Is (and Is Not)
- It IS a place to put words to patterns you may have felt for years.
- It IS a starting point to understand why your body and brain react the way they do.
- It IS NOT a substitute for therapy, medical care, or legal advice.
- It IS NOT here to label your partner, ex, or family member for you.
If you’re recognizing painful patterns, that already shows strength and awareness. You’re allowed to take what resonates and leave the rest.
Your Next Step in the PTSD Recovery Hub
You don’t have to fix everything overnight. Pick one small next step that feels doable in your current energy level — even if it’s just reading one page or answering one question.
Important: If you are in immediate danger, thinking about self-harm, or in a medical emergency, please contact local emergency services, a crisis hotline, or a trusted professional right away. This page cannot respond to emergencies.