Trauma-Informed Education

DARVO & Gaslighting Explained

If you’ve ever walked away from an argument feeling like you were the problem—when you were the one who was hurt—there’s a good chance you’ve experienced DARVO and gaslighting. This page breaks down these patterns in plain English so you can stop doubting your reality and start protecting your peace.

Important: This page is for education and validation only. It’s not therapy, it’s not legal advice, and it’s not a diagnosis. If you’re dealing with active abuse or feel unsafe, please reach out to a trusted friend, crisis line, therapist, or domestic violence resource as soon as you can.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a pattern of behavior where someone causes you to doubt your own memory, perception, or sanity. Over time, you start to wonder if you are the problem, even when your reactions are perfectly normal for what you’ve been living through.

Common gaslighting tactics:

  • “That never happened.” – denying clear events, even when you remember them vividly.
  • “You’re overreacting / too sensitive.” – shaming you for normal emotional responses.
  • “You always twist things.” – flipping the story so you feel like the aggressor.
  • Rewriting history. – changing timelines, motives, or past agreements to fit their narrative.
  • Using your confusion as proof. – “See? You can’t even remember. That’s why I don’t trust you.”

Over time, this can create anxiety, brain fog, and even PTSD-like symptoms. You start to scan for danger instead of living your life.

What Is DARVO?

DARVO is a pattern often used by people who can’t tolerate being seen as “at fault.” The term stands for:

D – Deny

“I never said that.” “I wasn’t yelling.” “You’re making things up.” The first move is to deny the behavior, the words, or the impact on you.

A – Attack

Once you bring up a concern, the focus shifts to what’s “wrong” with you: your tone, your past mistakes, your mental health, your history. You become the problem instead of the behavior.

RVO – Reverse Victim and Offender

Suddenly they’re the “real victim” of your “attacks,” “false accusations,” or “constant drama.” The person who was harmed is now cast as the offender.

When DARVO and gaslighting show up together, you can end up apologizing for being hurt, trying harder to “communicate better,” and walking on eggshells while the other person avoids accountability.

How DARVO & Gaslighting Affect Your Nervous System

Living with these patterns long-term isn’t “just” stressful. Your body starts to treat everyday life like a threat.

  • Constantly replaying conversations in your head, trying to figure out what really happened.
  • Feeling “foggy,” frozen, or unable to make decisions.
  • Second-guessing your memory and your judgment.
  • Over-explaining or apologizing just to keep the peace.
  • Feeling like you’re “too much,” “too sensitive,” or “the crazy one.”

None of this means you’re weak. It means your nervous system has been trying to survive in an unsafe emotional environment for a long time.

Safer Ways to Respond (When You Can’t Just Walk Away)

There’s no one-size-fits-all script, especially when money, housing, kids, or safety are involved. But here are some principles that can help you get back some ground:

  • Name it privately. Even just saying to yourself, “This is gaslighting. This is DARVO,” can reduce the shame.
  • Stop arguing about the past. If they rewrite history every time, you don’t have to keep proving your version.
  • Use shorter, calmer responses. “I remember it differently.” “I’m not going to argue about that.”
  • Shift from convincing them to protecting you. Your goal is your safety and clarity, not getting them to agree.
  • Document what matters. For some people, keeping a simple log (dates, events, what was said) helps them stay grounded.

If you’re in an abusive situation, safety planning with a professional or hotline is more important than holding the “perfect” boundary in every conversation.

When It May Be Time to Get Extra Support

You don’t have to prove it’s “bad enough” to reach out. But some signs that extra support might help include:

  • You feel like you’re losing yourself or becoming someone you don’t recognize.
  • Your sleep, appetite, or ability to function day-to-day is being affected.
  • You’re isolating from friends or family because you’re ashamed or exhausted.
  • You’re starting to think, “Maybe I really am the crazy one,” even though nothing is actually getting better.

You’re Not Crazy. You’re Responding to a Pattern.

One of the most powerful steps you can take is simply to stop fighting your own memory and emotions. From there, you can start making calmer, safer choices—step by step.

Mediation & Mitigation Solutions does not provide therapy, diagnosis, or emergency services. Our role is to offer education, coaching, and structured support so you can make clearer, safer decisions in your own life.